© Pierre Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat 106
It had to happen. Everything gives, sooner or later. In this case, it was my glasses. How did it happen? It was one of those really dumb moments. I bent down to move something from one part of the floor to another, and the sofa assaulted me. When I stopped clutching my nose and swearing, I realised that the frame had cracked. I tried a drop of superglue, but no such luck! The lens would not stay in.
Everyone has something that distinguishes them. It could be the interesting limp of a beggar, a pair of rubbery, Botox lips crawling across the face of a movie star or those floral dresses and ugly hats that seem to be the only thing that maiden aunts keep in their closets. In my case, it was my glasses.
I am not particularly good at dressing and personal grooming. Nor do I have a thing for expensive watches. Instead I went for a pair of glasses. I remembered watching some show on the television industry, and somewhere, amongst all the inanities, the fact emerged that if you wear glasses, you don’t need makeup.
As I am a male, and particularly averse to the idea of wearing makeup, I decided to put my money where my mouth is, or more precisely, about five centimeters above my mouth, and get a pair of frames that precisely expressed my inner nerdiness. TV producers did not gravitate towards me, but the thick rims told people what to expect.
My social life improved as well. Although the subtle purple tint may have had something to do with it, there is a lot to be said for being able to recognize people when I see them, and greet them.
The trip to the optometrist has not brought much relief yet. It seems as if Murphy is in residence there. In the first place, they didn’t have the same set of frames, so no luck on that front. Secondly, although I found a pair of frames that look very similar, albeit without the subtle purple, there have been delays in getting the glasses, apparently due to my medical insurance.
For now, I am staying indoors. It’s safer. At least we don’t have any lamp posts in the house. Nor am I going to offend anyone by walking right past them on the street with a blank look and a slight squint.
A talk with a friend on the situation yielded an interesting observation. She noted that every time she was deprived of her contact lenses, she couldn’t hear so well. I don’t know whether she was joking, but something about the comment rang true for myself: Ever since my glasses have been out of commission, I have been slightly harder of hearing.
My hearing isn’t all that great to begin with, probably the result of too much loud music as a teenager, young adult and now as someone approaching middle age who can afford an iPod.
I theorize that the effort of looking around, trying to focus on things like the blurry shape walking along the street that may or may not be a friend smiling at me, takes up a residual amount of brain capacity that I would normally use for listening.
Then there is the fact that, as my hearing isn’t the most finely tuned of my senses, I have developed a habit of looking at peoples’ mouths as they speak for extra clues.
And add to that the fact that for the ultimate concentration on what people are saying, I close my eyes or take off my glasses in order not to see, and just concentrate on the sounds emerging from their mouths.
There you have it, folks. If I can’t see well, I can’t hear so well, but if I close my eyes, I can hear really well. Offbeat biology.
I suppose these are two senses or activities that are linked in my own specific biology.
Maybe the old cliché about a person being so dumb that he or she ‘cannot walk and chew gum at the same time’ has some reality to it. I can walk and chew gum at the same time, even though I choose not to, as chewing gum is an ugly habit. Perhaps there are people who use so much cerebral capacity for coordinating their legs, that the act of simultaneously moving their lower jaw up and down eludes them, and vice versa.
I can’t wait to receive my new pair of glasses.
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