© Pierre Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat 112
If you need something to get your mind going and can’t face the prospect of the movie theater, a video store, or yet another futile attempt at a hobby, conspiracy theories are the just the thing. Go to Wikipedia and type ‘list of conspiracy theories’ in the search field. There you go… everything from ‘Evil Aliens’ to barcodes with the number 666 secretly embedded in their evil stripes.
Did you know that a sinister Arabic cartel is trying to take over Europe? And that the continent’s new name will be ‘Eurabia’? Have fun. Spread the word and keep the paranoiacs awake at night.
A gentleman by the name of David Icke believes that a group of reptilian humanoids called the Brotherhood of Babylon has even grander schemes. They are trying to take over the world. Or could it be the Illuminati? The Freemasons? Or the UN? If you have any major global ambitions, take a number and get in line behind the sinister looking priests, the men with the unmarked helicopters and Bill Gates.
One of the most regular name checks for global domination is the so called ‘New World Order’, or Novus Ordo Mundi, an omnibus conspiracy, with everything and everyone thrown in. However, in all the pages on this phenomenon, it is never entirely clear what the New World Order intends to do once it has taken over the world.
With a list of conspirators that includes the World Bank, the World Health Organisation, the United Nations, Neo-Nazis, the Jews, Neo-Conservatives from the US, The Federal Reserve, the International Monetary Fund, the European Union, the Illuminati, Freemasons, the men with the black helicopters, the reptilian aliens, Bill Gates, the Arab oil-producers and Satan, the absence of consensus on goals amongst the conspirators seems easy enough to understand. They are probably still debating whether to order coffee or tea.
And there’s a further clue in their name. The words ‘World’ and ‘Order’ just don’t fit together, no matter which way you arrange them. That is one threat I don’t think we should fear, too much.
To my mind, the future is a bleaker than conspiracy theorists are prepared to concede. Secretive helicopter pilots discouraging you from staring too hard at the barcodes on their foreheads is one thing. ‘Bling’, the conspiracy of hip hop, is something else entirely.
As far as I can make out, the conspiracy arises from a group of economists pushing for a return to the gold standard, jewelers with no subtlety, a bunch of failed fashion designers, the automotive industry and a group of record company executives. Given the upward trend in the price of oil, there may be something to be said for returning to the gold standard, but the rest of the conspirators are just plain evil.
If these people have their way, we will be decorated with large amounts of poorly designed, conspicuous gold jewelry, drive million dollar cars with DVD players everywhere, including as hood ornaments, and wear bandanas and leather trousers, even in the shower.
In terms of the ‘bling’ scheme of things, diplomacy and business will be conducted in garish nightclubs and hot tubs. Conversation will be limited to ‘Yo, homie’, ‘Yo, mama’, ‘Yo, bee-yach’ and ‘Can you direct me to the nearest hot tub’. We will all live in cities, avoid nature, and our most deep-seated subconscious fears will be based on the possibility of lint adhering to our clothing, or possibly cows.
OK, perhaps it’s a bit of an overstatement, but who cares?
‘Bling’ is everywhere and it smells nasty. It is written all over the future in the form of kids who are being taught that chunky gold jewelry and unintelligible hand gestures are the respective hallmarks of good taste and meaningful communication. And with more than two decades behind it, it shows no sign of abatement.
Even socially conscious rappers and hip hop artists who have recognised the threat of ‘bling’, have not been able to put a dent in its proliferation.
Put aside the paranoia. Start practicing for the real ‘new world order’. Everybody say, “Yo!”
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