© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 1 - 10
Offbeat 1
In the great scheme of things, you will no doubt follow paths laid down
by people who don’t have a clue where they are heading.
Classroom theology • ants as role models for kids •
some obscure biological facts •
self-determination for beginners and the suicidally optimistic •
the inevitability of life
Offbeat 2
Some people live with deep and intense sadness; others buy their sorrows
in convenience stores.
The brilliance of Nick Cave • pain and suffering as
convenience store commodities • celebrity suffering • the
pain of the proletariat • the
biology of fear • why rich folk should read cheap magazines for
self-improvement
Offbeat 3
My sincere career advice to kids is, become nerds. People pay nerds
money to know stuff. Nerds invent things like Play Station.
Career counseling • being a nerd as a career choice
• fun with intellectual property • other great careers for
nerds • getting the glasses, hunch and paunch
• uplifting stuff about reading and salaries
Offbeat 4
I have the pressing desire to stay home and watch my daughter rub banana
into the carpet, rather than going to parties and watching other peoples’
carpets get stained.
Maturity for thirty-somethings and up • drinks after
work • staying young with comics,
computer games and Lego Technics •
obstacles to corrupting the youth • clothing for old guys • gratuitous parenthood • John Lee Hooker
Offbeat 5
I have a certain fondness for lamas with airborne snakes, though I never
want to meet one. I am not above the pleasure of a good horror story
every now and then.
Lamas and airborne snakes • guys with red buttons •
horror movies •
science fiction pulps • alcohol-free beer • satellite news feeds • the imaginary nature
of evil • strategy for dealing
with lamas and airborne snakes
Offbeat 6
The joke about ‘wanting it yesterday’ has become a cliché.
We started delivering everything yesterday at least a year ago. Getting
it all done by tomorrow is now the problem.
The Spectrum 48K • early troubleshooting • slow
computers & slow users • reading the manual
• scheduling temporal anomalies • computers
vs gravity • the ineffable coolness of bits of paper • dealing with wrist
cramp
Offbeat 7
Money is a two-faced beast. When you flip a coin, one side faces up
and the other is the downside.
Pocket money materialism • the fickleness of money
• false homilies • the
logic of debt • baking fetishes • responsibility for materialists • poverty and
the palate • money can buy happiness
Offbeat 8
If competing against outsiders who don’t belong among us is the
only way to pull a group together, and if the human race needs to pull
together to save the future, my money is on an alien invasion as the
sensible solution.
School sports • non-competitive philosophy •
a tree full of monkeys • the
genetics of competition • an old Greek guy defines a river • Mother Nature gets nasty • tactical use of
conspiracy theory • a weird solution
Offbeat 9
Like most angry young men and almost all aspiring writers I found the
real meaning of life in the bottom of a bottle. I’d tell you what
it is, but I forgot it all during the hangovers.
Beatrix Potter & Spiderman • Shylock misunderstood
• alcohol & meaning • dumb starlets & frustrated scriptwriters • instant drama • instant
scripts • chance meetings • the story of life • happy & sad endings
Offbeat 10
Sticking to a truth that everyone agrees with is not particularly difficult.
Holding onto your beliefs when everyone is convinced you are lying takes
guts, and occasionally the services of high-powered legal team.
School ties & armour • death & detention •
the fallacy of a simple truth • the
relative length of one second • dogma
as a basis for embarrassment • sensible advice for the homicidal • the selfishness
of 'truth'
Offbeat 11
If you can see through the B-grade movie appeal and sidestep all the
standard moralizing, ‘Frankenstein’ is also a rather fun
allegory for everyday life. If you doubt me, think back to your original
first date.
The real Frankenstein • what scientists do best •
the very first date • the
pitfalls of romantic ambition • making
people • genetic altruism and romance • kissing frogs
• Tom Waits & politicians
• opposites converge
Offbeat 12
Ten years down the line, will your child really benefit from martial
arts training or will a course in tactical shooting and the practical
use of explosives in conflict resolution be more appropriate?
Real music from years ago • theological insights from
Talking Heads • academic philosophy as industry •
harps & houris • latter
day survival kits • keeping up with everything • adventure holidays
• divine boredom
Offbeat 13
If you haven’t yet seen that inestimable movie, ‘The Fight
Club’, you’re missing out on a noteworthy piece of modern-day
philosophy, and a convincing one-step self-help programme for the emasculated.
A gun of my own • violence as self-improvement •
angry behavior • altruism
as a path to violence • programmed peace • conflict as human nature
• guns
as genetic inevitability • good advice
for violent times
Offbeat 14
People are a lot like chickens. I have seen enough accidents at and
away from pedestrian crossings to be able to confirm this with absolute
clarity.
Stale chicken jokes • chickens crossing the barnyard
• traffic safety
for chickens • the
similarity of people and chickens • Macadam and aggression • road movies • bumping
into people • road safety on life's highway
Offbeat 15
Books, always the best place to discover magical words and how to use
them, are becoming less and less popular. Why read when you can put
a DVD or video into a machine?
The allure of magic • alchemists & labcoats •
Isaac Newton was an alchemist • modern
crystal balls • selling Granny's jewelry • the spell for love
& attraction • the
difference between reading & watching • visual literacy is for the
illiterate
Offbeat 16
Fridges have a very significant spiritual purpose, long overlooked by
major religions. If you want to know the state of a man’s soul,
just take a look in his fridge.
Bachelor households • the sixpack as a bachelor appliance
• immortality
for pickles • fridges
as economic indicators • fridges & fear • 'healthy' fridges • 'wealthy'
fridges • you are what you have in
your fridge
Offbeat 17
Discovering the concept of a globe put a major dent in my ambition to
become an explorer: nobody could explain to me precisely where on the
ball the ‘four corners of the Earth’ were to be found.
Holidays for readers • imaginative travel •
bookshops as tourist destinations
• traveling
to imaginary destinations • the 'four corners' of the globe • the true nature of luxury
travel • travel as a losing proposition
Offbeat 18
Although I am a dilettante vegetarian, a thick steak and a sizzling
pan will always be a natural fallback position. And like all ‘real’
men, I know deep down that a chicken is a vegetable as well.
Worms in ketchup • protein
enhancement • social
specialisation • early draft dodging • the human food chain • an old roman maxim • why you shouldn't take responsibility
for yourself • strategies for opting out
• Douglas Coupland and 'Generation
X'
Offbeat 19
As far as I am concerned, I seem to have lost the street map that points
the way to perfection. And strangely enough, it’s not a place
I’m entirely sure I want to visit.
Young pop divas • Tom
Waits • popular
media stereotypes • Prozac as personal image enhancement • effortless hedonism • ideal old age • stains on expensive rugs
• more about Tom Waits • imperfection as the route
to perfection
Offbeat 20
Once you have surrendered the chocolate, wiped away the child’s
tears, calmed the mother and regained your shattered composure, you
will realize that the act of taking is instinctive behaviour.
Literary appreciation • the
story of St Martin & the beggar • giving
& religion • giving to survive • an experiment with a toddler
• giving in the workplace • dramatic giving
• New Model Army • giving for survival
