© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 21 - 30
Offbeat 21
If ever there was something other than more money on my Christmas wish
list, it would be more time.
Clocks that don't tell the same time •
my internal clock • time
as an invention • the truth of time • pastoral time • industrial time • time & indoctrination •
the value of time
• stolen moments
Offbeat 22
There are a number of likely contenders for history’s list of
most significant cultural moments. The birth of punk won’t be
up there but, as far as I am concerned, it should be.
The horror of the mid-Seventies • music
without harmony • stereotypical
culture •
basic physics & the culture of despair • DIY music • Vivienne Westwood & Richard
Branson • revolting punk • bland marketing jingles •
time for a change
Offbeat 23
Ecclesiastes 3, my favourite part of the Bible, reads, ‘To every
thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the sun.’
The men’s magazine at the local supermarket checkout reads, ‘It’s
summer. Here’s a shopping list of must-haves to keep you looking
good for the beach.’
The proliferation of male cosmetics •
the Bible & fashion bibles • evolutionary
priorities • ancient Roman history • uses for masks • the
revelation of pop psychology • the social importance of
the facade • the importance of masks
Offbeat 24
If your bank manager refuses to extend your credit beyond three times
the value of your assets, blame it on a shadowy group of evil financial
masterminds who sacrifice innocent puppies on every Friday when the
moon is full.
A dull cliche • a
worn cliche • Caveman
Og's complaint • Yuppie Joe's complaint • a scientific formula for complaints • the
value of a good conspiracy theory • how
to have fun with conspiracies • responsible use of conspiracy theories •
actually you are to blame
Offbeat 25
If you want an audience for your idea, just make sure that someone in
a position of power attempts to suppress it. There’s no need to
defend it to the death.
The ordinary genius of Galileo • classroom
conditioning • how
to encourage youth to experiment • a theological weather report • naive science & Roman Catholic censors • Galileo
& Isaac Newton • how
to encourage students to read
• the secret link between Salman Rushdie & UFOs
•
Galileo forgiven
Offbeat 26
Even in the quiet hours of an early Sunday morning, the smallest town
has its sounds: distant cars, dogs and neighbours arguing over the proper
time to start up the mower.
Japanese tourists • early
Sunday mornings in small towns • power-outages
& looters • my washing machine • listening to noise • ideas
that come out of the wilderness • teenage
brainstems • small talk, diplomacy & nuclear weapons •
how to save civilisation
Offbeat 27
I hope your personal relationship with your automatic bank teller is
on a really solid footing. Have you considered inviting it to lunch?
Apparently it works with the human variety of banker.
Refrigerators & bad hair days •
psychotic coffee machines • the
travel habits of Isaac Asimov • fear of fuzzy logic • technological drawbacks to instant combustion • prosthetics
& perfection • robotic
pets • dyslexic manual writers •
technological dependency
Offbeat 28
If a management committee designed a human, it would be for productivity.
Childhood would be short, we would all be able to work sixteen-hour
days without complaining and our lifespan would probably be in the region
of fifty-nine years on the dot.
Stupid practical jokes & nationwide manhunts •
my friend the computer • goodbye
to my pub • quality time for rednecks • management committees • Michelangelo's
David in boxer shorts • accidental
inspiration • bureaucratic endeavour •
why you need to slack off
Offbeat 29
The danger of keeping lies in holding on to too much and allowing the
memories to pile up to the point where life is submerged in yesterdays,
with no tomorrow in sight.
Old comics • my daughter’s inheritance •
Zen interior design • chipped soapstone hippos • secret
middle-aged fetishes • kids & fluffy toys • the three
degrees of ‘mine’ • curried lime pickles • Teflon
coated frying pans • the importance of chipped soapstone hippos
• successful hoarding
Offbeat 30
The mere prospect of a happy Christmas party with fellowship and good
cheer makes me dour and the thought of egg nog and brightly coloured
liqueurs gives me a headache that feels as if the hangover arrived a
few days too early.
Tinsel & decorations • evil elves • stuff I won’t get from Santa • the fabulous spirit of getting • infiltration of the North Pole • the hazards of making gifts • Lego Technics • The Lion King for parents • Richard Scarry is great • the real reason for Christmas
