© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 31 - 40
Offbeat 31
I have not made any New Year’s resolutions that I will regret.
I did not promise to wash the dog once a week, take up mud-wrestling
or learn how to make small talk. The secret to making a New Year’s
resolution is to aim for something you already do well.
The perils of a new year •
washing the dog •
the fall of civilizations •
television & brain death •
what people do after work •
the relative merits of ‘input’ •
laugh tracks & sit-coms •
how to fool most of the people all of the time •
educating for stupidity •
my New Year’s resolution
Offbeat 32
There is a need at the center of everything. For instance, if you are
thirsty, you need to drink. If you are a male approaching middle age
you probably need a Play Station and a torqued up convertible to reaffirm
your undying youth.
How to waste years • ‘Rock & Roll Suicide’
• the two hour cup of tea • nature, the psyche & vacuums
• the needs of middle aged males • my favourite gland of
all time • how to cope with crises • the difference between
passionate and loving kisses • a new way to stereotype individuals
& cultures
Offbeat 33
The problem with heroes is the question of the villains. Who’s
who depends entirely on the viewpoint, and at last count there are in
the region of six billion individual viewpoints rising by about 170
per minute.
The definition of a hero •
Dachshunds & flesh-eating bacteria •
feel-good weaponry •
evolution & the food chain •
Schwarzenneger & David Lynch •
Joseph Campbell’s archetype •
how to get out of a rut •
yet another problem with population growth •
editing & evaluating history
Offbeat 34
Clothes are a form of diplomacy. The right apparel is an emissary that
conveys the message of the wearer. The burning question is can you trust
the message•
A cliché & another cliché • the perils of ironing •
diplomacy & history •
cycnical evangelists •
the priest who is a con man •
dressing down •
a few stereotypes •
the idiocy of genius •
paranoia as an interview technique
Offbeat 35
If the expression, ‘the grass is always greener…’
is to be believed, New York sidewalks must be paved with manure and
the deserts of distant Mongolia must have sprouted rain forests overnight.
People who don’t fit in • Scandinavian aid workers
• wealth as the route to ‘eccentricity’ • the
optimistic origin of rain forests • joyous complaint • disaffection
& travel • what to complain about in Sudan • ingredients
for the cultural melting pot • comparative metaphysical botany
Offbeat 36
People want predictability the way a kid burns up in anticipation of
a new toy. A state of predictability is comforting and there are no
surprises, particularly the unpleasant kind.
Neat handwriting • gratuitous use of spurious rewards
• superhero origins, rock lyrics & revolutionary aeroplanes
• windows & underachievement • the incredible distance
between the front & back of a classroom • how to become a
corporate giant • unfair reversal of an unkind stereotype •
lost potential & the potential for a better future
Offbeat 37
Today’s gonzo advice from Auntie Offbeat is to take your dreams
out the back and kick the hell out of them from time to time. It may
seem cruel, but it’s one way of releasing the pressure.
The death of Superman • deconstructing Batman •
an assault on subconscious desires • assorted fantasies •
jail time for dreams • inflicting violence on hypothetical reality
• uncool ambition • in praise of slacking off • fictional
finalism • superheroes always come back
Offbeat 38
If meeting all the interesting denizens of Friday and Saturday nights
is what really drives you, there are plenty of opportunities out there:
night club promoter, turntablist, barman, bouncer or trauma unit reception
nurse.
A couple of overripe metaphors • the end of the week,
literally & figuratively • immortality & the liver •
Barney & my daughter • magical Mondays • why we hate
Mondays • a virus of the mind • how rich folks behave •
how rich folks behave
• a new social movement
Offbeat 39
Ebonics, the beautiful bastard tongue of the inner city, travels through
satellite music videos and streaming media. Mobile phones and SMS are
spreading a terse word form in which numerals replace the sounds formed
by letters.
The tower of Babel • the language of the building site
• fire & rapid learning • historical empires •
mobile phones & time zones •
hanging with the homies • new forms of language •
God & thunder bolts•
a small tribe in Africa
• the potential for the Apocalypse
Offbeat 40
Nowadays, I am horribly familiar with sunrises and am even beginning
to appreciate their aesthetics and the pleasure they can bring to a
strong cup of coffee and a cigarette.
Narcoleptic movie stars • therapeutic use of coffee
• sunrise & cigarettes • where great ideas come from
• when I can't find my pen & paper
• an Eighteenth century eccentric •
how to become a teenager • sleep & the formation of
strategy • 'Dreamtime' & computers •
my favourite hobby
