© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 41 - 50
Offbeat 41
For maximum enjoyment, pop one between your cheek and gums, and wait
for the magic to kick in. Unless, like so many others, you cough and
spit it out immediately, you will be rewarded with the sort of wake-up
call that is mild by chili standards, but that redefines the mint.
The downfall of my vices • becoming an American •
coffee, coffee and more coffee • sanity through neuroses • mass murderers & politicians
• sweets from the dark side •
the mighty Fisherman's Friend•
Oleo Capsicum • disreputable old age & how to cultivate it •
my next vice
Offbeat 42
There is a startling difference between children’s films made
in the sixties and what we see now. It seems as if research was done,
and parents came back with the response, “If we are going to watch
these things umpteen hundred times, at least do something to keep us
interested.”
Familiarity breeds contempt • indicators of future
wealth • early childhood career planning • a slow route
to brain death •
meaning & metaphor in the last place you want it •
groovy Sixties stuff
•
Dick van Dyke •
tasteless games • advice that will be ignored by movie moguls
Offbeat 43
If you are a sensitive reader, perhaps now is the time to stop reading,
as I am about to expand upon and utter one of the most horrifying and
utterly impolite words of all time.
Four letter words • Maledicta • Dadgum it!!!
• Fiddlesticks!!! •
parenting & adroit linguistics •
something scary from the Bible
•
teachers who really ought to know better •
a truly dirty word • a small matter of economics
Offbeat 44
Some people outgrow toys when they turn twelve or thirteen, but I am
not one of them. People who outgrow their toys are seriously mature
and boring. I don’t really hang out with them and I don’t
want to know what they do with their lives.
My new mobile phone • all the cool features •
my next mobile phone • midget fingers •
what boring people who outgrow their toys do with themselves •
candy for the imagination
•
a trip to the Himalayas •
non suggestive toys for grown ups • in praise of materialism
Offbeat 45
The fascinating thing about hair is that it has become a symbol for
belief, belonging and everything for which the individual stands.
Material & non-material means of defining identity •
orgiastic shampoos • the number two clipper • looking like
a thug •
the cost of having an identity •
biblical hairstyling
•
archetypes for manliness •
General Custer's last haircut • towards a new classification for
beliefs
Offbeat 46
Perhaps wearing silly shoes is not such a scary thing after all. Fashion
stylists and rock musicians made platform boots immensely popular, even
amongst timid people who stick to conservative lace-ups and slip-ons.
The dark side & a hokey geographical metaphor •
Western medicine • the beliefs of the Kahuna, detachable souls,
poltergeists & death curses • chewing gum in hair on a hot
summer afternoon •
slapstick & ongoing guilt •
slow-burning fires & fear of shoes
• shoes
& political systems •
rock stars, fashion stylists & platform boots • light in darkness
Offbeat 47
Swimming was great. I used to swim up and down, up and down, like a
clockwork duck, with all the time in the world to think. Unfortunately
sport still doesn’t move me.
Cinematic moments • hokey quotes & their uses •
how to waste a perfectly good Saturday • Monday morning at the
coffee machine •
my sporting prowess •
drama without the flying teacups
•
sports vs. dogma •
what sports used to mean • losing the script
Offbeat 48
Of course, we live longer now, and perhaps hypochondria has something
to do with it. One of the tenets of evolution involves survival of the
fittest. Perhaps we could expand on the theory and add ‘survival
of the most paranoid’.
The effect of the common cold on the palate • the curative
use of duct tape • off-the-shelf cures for Ebola and West Nile
Fever • hypochondriacs & sympathetic doctors •
is there a doctor in the house? •
IV drips for every occasion
•
old-fashioned anaesthetics •
paranoia & medical diagnoses • a new use for hypochondriacs
Offbeat 49
If whatever omnipotent being created the horse did not see fit to let
it live forever, why should humanity in its hubris expect a machine
to last forever?
Two places you really don't want to be • low-tech computing
• welcome to the last minute • technology in the Fifties
• technology now •
the washing machine
•
horses & hubris •
technological dependency • true horror
Offbeat 50
Thousands of motivational speakers have mined Star Wars for its metaphors,
suggesting that corporate schmucks become Jedi Knights in the quest
for growth and profit. And interestingly enough, in a census completed
in 2002, some 70,000 Australians listed their religion as the Jedi faith.
Everything we disagreed upon • one thing many of us
agreed upon • the confusing release of Star Wars and the reason
why • why Star wars is more important than the Nobel Prize for
Literature • a Jedi lawyer •
motivational speakers •
where to next? •
avoiding the end • 'May the force be with you'
