© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 51 - 60
Offbeat 51
Dylan Thomas’ American tour had all the decadent characteristics
of a major Seventies stadium tour, up to and including his wife trying
to set alight his oxygen tent with a cigarette, as doctors struggled
to retrieve him from a near-fatal, fan-induced alcoholic coma.
Warren Zevon • Jesus & John Wayne in the Marriot
• poetry that rhymes • Dylan Thomas' American tour
• poetry & cryptic crosswords •
awful photostats & ersatz sentiments •
rock stars & rappers • how we reinvent ourselves •
the importance of rebellious kids
Offbeat 52
In reality, the far corner of the back row on the side closest to the
door says a lot about the occupant of the desk: ‘twisted little
freak’ for instance, ‘don’t confront in dark alleys’
or perhaps ‘juvenile fifth columnist’.
My all-time favourite metaphor • the back row of the
class • photosynthetic soporifics • sheep, goats & the
dubious distinction made by strange teachers •
cool musos. 'baaaadd' musicians & guys in cowboy hats •
the perils of the middle of the road •
the view from halfway up the mountain • Douglas Coupland's 'Generation X' •
post-millennial averagism
Offbeat 53
When next you meet someone who ‘can’t complain’, tell
them to try harder, perhaps beginning with something easy like the weather.
If that doesn’t work, talk to them about their jobs or tell them
that the number of the consumer lobby can be found in the directory.
Days & 'other' days • washing machines that sound
like chainsaws • unwashable shag carpets • 'other' months
& 'years to remember' • traumatic tiling
grout •
yesterday's socks •
effective Third World complaint departments • some scary stuff about Americans •
complaint therapy
Offbeat 54
How do you deal with a silvery haired, genocidal maniac with a Machiavellian
disposition, armies at his disposal and too much time on his hands?
Voting doesn’t seem to work.
Recipes for sacred cows • exceptions to generalizations
• the source of this week's ire • I use myself to destroy
a fallacy • the mistake I voluntarily make •
ugly natured kids & what they become •
old age homes & territorial ambition • the wisdom of elders •
'darn new-fangled guns'
Offbeat 55
We survived the onset Barney, the fuzzy purple dinosaur. In fact, Barney
has a lot of redeeming features in spite of the one-time craze for ‘kill
/ mutilate / be very rude about Barney’ sites on the internet.
Modern klassics for kids • prime numbers & the
Bernoulli sequence • the Barbie virus • Barney is cool
• personal growth, frilly pink blouses & lime green
mini skirts •
ugly natured kids & what they become •
Rob Zombie & plastic surgery • becoming the class geek •
Barbie & spiritual growth
Offbeat 56
In ‘The Diamond Age’, set in a farther future, Neal Stephenson
talks about the cultural impact of nanotechnology and electronic paper.
Both of these are reasonable picks for today’s technological investor.
An introduction to my bookshelf • books, the way they
are meant to look • the ineffably cool worlds of Neal Stephenson
• knowing the future • psychotropic computer
viruses •
science fiction as stock market picks •
a whole bunch of retro stuff • the role of the coffee filter in making nuclear weapons •
why nostalgia is important
Offbeat 57
Our lives are ticked and tocked away by the monotonous metronome rhythm
of clocks. Every beat of our heart and every breath we take is a second
lived and a second subtracted from the span of our days and years.
Peter Hoeg's ideas • the train that slows time down
• how spells are woven • how people are consumed by clocks
• Steven Hawkins •
I have my own thesis •
slow time & fast time • magic moments • casting the
spell of time
Offbeat 58
Thanks to the profusion of stand-out cat hairs on whatever shade of
black I have decided is fashionably cool this week, I immediately know
who is allergic to cats. Bless you, my sympathies and tough luck!
The perils of not joining the alumni • important commitments
• white cat hair on black clothes • animal souls
• a dog called 'Dog' •
genial stupidity & glass doors •
Heaven, with and without pets • how my cat altered my destiny
• another way to define humanity
Offbeat 59
We may be listening to Rob Zombie or some percussive hip hop instead
of Handel or Strauss but we are listening regardless of the changes
that cultural evolution has wrought.
People who sya just what you intended to say • the
soundtrack to this paragraph • mood-altering grooves • medieval
grooves for the ultra-religious • heresy in a
minor key •
Johnny Rotten & Beethoven • a snappy retort to an
anthropologists question • what separates man from the apes
Offbeat 60
Herein lies the paradox: with limited years, we try to live forever,
courting every form of medicine and snake oil that looks even halfway
credible, yet with unlimited years many of Anne Rice’s most credible
characters choose oblivion.
Anne Rice's 'Interview With a Vampire' • how to redeem
your vampire • Claudia, the five year old vampire • my immaturity
• why I want to live forever •
what vampires do to relieve boredom •
the fleeting nature of pleasure • a few hopes for the future •
I reconcile myself to the desire for immortality
