© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 71 - 80
Offbeat 71
The Beatles once shocked the world by turning to psychedelia, yet today
presidents and prime ministers who did drugs in their youth are no longer
scandalous, merely par for the course. Acid guru Leary advised Reagan
on economics to no spectacularly ill effect.
Fun with confessions • rebellion for middle management
• where the revolution ends up • aging pop stars
& problems with dance routines • what became
of Joe Strummer •
where people still write songs • a neat pidgeon-hole for strange
music • a pathetic plea for a beer • the ultimate in counter-cultural cool
Offbeat 72
Can someone be perceived to be relaxed wearing the symbols of formality,
a jacket and a tie? After years of wearing jeans as an advertising creative,
I personally find a jacket and tie quite relaxing and a welcome change
from the hectic routine of being ‘creative’ and exciting.
Why Neil Gaiman won't win the Nobel prize • why that
is not a problem for me and millions of others • hope gives shape to despair • tracing an analogy
to its source • spinsters in the back seat of
a Mini •
symbols of the way we choose to be • a really dumb personal sacrifice
• the ugly truth about symbols • the average is actually substandard
Offbeat 73
Doom wrought changes to culture. It kept a lot of young people at home
as they slugged it out with the legions of hell. LAN culture emerged,
centering around local area networks. People would tote their PCs to
the homes of friends and play cooperatively in groups.
The secret war on Mars • my stories from the war • an overview of the Doom series • first-person
shooters • Doom's effect on culture •
killing the myth of violence • why bother with movies anymore?
• waiting for Doom 3 • a nightmare that may just keep me young
Offbeat 74
What would people get out of a ‘treatment’ for introversion.
No doubt, everything will be a lot brighter and more cheerful in a Prozac
kind of way. Everyone will sit around and talk about comfortable things
such as the weather, sport, makeup techniques and new cars.
The downside of mapping the human genome • my social
habits • the problem with meeting people • the ugly
prospect of genetic conformity • how people
cope with insecurity & how they should not •
art as introversion • misplaced sympathy
Offbeat 75
Considering the cost was never a feature of the sermons with the message
‘give selflessly without expectation of reward’. Yet it
seems that in order for what one gives to be appreciated, you too should
extract a price for what you give.
Beggars with goiters • contractual giving • the
'favour trap' • the cost of giving • the
rewards of giving •
the cost of everything • giving with barbs
• how to do favours with guilt
• a bit of cynicism
Offbeat 76: Idols Special!!!
The first and most obvious quality of a non-voted idol is some form
of substance abuse. Epic amounts of alcohol, cocaine, heroin and funny,
white, lemon-scented powder they find in cleaning cupboards in their
mansions springs to mind.
Idols, yet again • what the show does not produce •
what the show does produce • characteristics of natural idols
• substance abuse •
sociopathic streaks • major personality defects
• sexual profligacy
• so, here we are again: another winner, another warbler
• why Idols is better for you
Offbeat 77
After a while, after a long, long while, the ordinary begins to seem
like nirvana. You wake up in the morning, envious of people who go to
work in ties and grey suits. You wonder wistfully what it would be like
to have an orderly, predictable day, with no excitement and no surprises
whatsoever.
The Journal of Mundane Behaviour • life in the 'exciting'
lane • exciting people • banal grand entrances
• the lure of the suit and tie •
interesting ordinary people s • their small triumphs
• the false appeal of heroes
• where to find the extraordinary
Offbeat 78
Some of my wealthier readers may be saying that money isn’t everything.
To them, I say, get my banking details from the editor and put that
theory to the test by giving all of your money to me. I will keep it
in escrow for you and repay the amount when you concede the point. Just
don’t ask any questions about the interest.
The ancestral klutz • the eternal question • a brief overview of the philosophical dilemma posed
in 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' • techniques for answering
the question • why I will never be a Nobel Laureate •
the shallow answer to the question • dismissing the obvious •
a whole bunch of rationalisations• a brief glimpse of the depth in the answer
Offbeat 79
I thought of writing to the North Pole asking for a few elves that I
could rent out as cheap labour to cover the bills, but this would probably
lead to more lumps of coal, if not from Santa then definitely from the
immigration authorities.
My Christmas list • lumps of coal • my request for leave, more coal and some dumb elves
• my revenge on Father Christmas • the
Christmas 'ouch factor' •
pink, glittery stuff • more pink, glittery stuff • an alternative to the pink, glittery stuff • Daddy
plays Father Christmas
Offbeat 80
The things that mark one year from another, in most individuals’
points of view, for instance, getting married, having a child or getting
divorced, are not particularly common, unless you are one of those people
who regularly feature in the gossip pages of the Hollywood tabloids.
What I'm not doing this New Year • bizzare Chinese
New Year's • things that mark one year from another (or not)
• really interesting New Year's resolutions
•
how I stuck to 2005's resolution • 2006's resolution • my neighbourhood gives a collective shudder • an appeal
to preserve my modesty
