© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 81 - 90
Offbeat 81
The horror genre has provided me with many valuable insights. For instance,
if your house is plagued by unexpected cold spots and nauseating smells,
don’t call the plumber, just flee.
The pitter patter of falling blood • fun with bad dreams • the priest dies first • boring,
tired horror themes •
fashion according to Freddy • the trees are out to get you •
a really clever joke with no blondes in it • fear of
puddles on the kitchen floor • fear of absolutely normal stuff
Offbeat 82
I am not sure if the guys from the US Department of Defense had any
idea what they were doing when they opened the Internet to the public,
but it was quantum leap forward in terms of access to knowledge. At
the very least, hundreds of millions now have the knowledge to find
porn sites.
Apples, snakes and nude folks • religious obedience
vs God's image • insanely brilliant inventions •
memos and oxen •
how books got cheap • bookshelves and the pinnacle of civilisation
• the biggest apple ever • open source knowledge • cruelty to snakes
Offbeat 83
For now my head is empty and I am relaxed. It’s as if I am living
in an advertisement in which the world is perfect. It’s probably
an advertisement for air-conditioning or pool cleaning.
What this column was supposed to be about • why it's
not about what it was supposed to be about • a couple of fun similes
• what I did on Sunday morning •
fun with my daughter • a Mandrill baboon • the fallacy about going to bed early and waking before dawn
• a reverie about boredom • a closing line
Offbeat 84
I have stopped pretending that coffee tastes better with the addition
of milk and or sugar. Milk happens rarely and sugar is only added if
I need a little bit of extra energy, otherwise I drink it straight up.
Empirical rationalism sucks • things that are important
and things that aren't • the pleasures of coffee •
the dangers of coffee •
why I don't substitute tea • I am no connoisseur • the pointlessness of milk and sugar • an idle idea about banning coffee • just say 'yes'
Offbeat 85
If you are a major global superpower, don’t sweat it. Killing
is a consequence of power with which your conscience wrestles nightly,
and nobody will mess with you because they know you win the wrestling
matches on a regular basis.
Dealing with uppity neighbours, the lunatic way • cell
mtes and a religious defence • groovy pills for breakfast, lunch
and supper • the right way to do it •
how to win supporters • strategies for superpowers and less developed
countries • fundamentalists and jihadists • the problem with numbers • doing God's work
Offbeat 86 (Tuesday special)
Maybe we could insist on a universal press policy that biases news coverage
on Tuesdays towards good news, those funny stories that involve strange
people in embarrassing situations and really bright, cheerful horoscopes
full of love and success.
Valentine's Day • the only Tuesday I really remember
• hospital doughnuts •
Wednesday hangovers • Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays,
Saturdays & Sundays • the void in the week • ideas for reforming Tuesdays • another good Tuesday
Offbeat 87
As far as I know, spam occupies in excess of eighty percent of all bandwidth.
If your internet connection is slow, there some validity in blaming
it on spam. If the internet is indeed a highway, then the traffic jam
is a result of a bunch of postal vehicles delivering a blizzard of unwanted
junk mail that will not be welcomed or read.
A really unpleasant e-mail • spam from Leta McWilliams
• spam from Parafin Corp •
why they chose me • good uses for junk mail (paper) • spam can't be recycled • spam as pollution • a bit more anger
Offbeat 88
In a certain sense, World War 2 taught the children of my generation
what was right and wrong. We knew that the Nazis were the scum of the
earth without any doubt. The war comics and movies told us this.
More time wasted with a computer game & why I need a
new motherboard • World War 2 for kids •
'War Picture Library' •
a couple of interesting neighbours • the current moral status
of wars • what World War 2 taught me •the
comfort of the rug •
tomorrow's quandary
Offbeat 89
A child has a tendency to create chaos. For instance, in our comfortable
adult world, the idea of having your clothing redecorated with whatever
pen, crayon or pot of paint does not sit well with almost anyone who
has a kid.
Nicholas Flamel was real • the historical basis behind
the magic of Harry Potter • repainting the wardrobe
•
coping with the chaos of children
• some young ladies rechristen me 'Oom' • how my name defines me •
don't call me 'Sir' •
the magic of words
Offbeat 90
Have you ever heard a really good joke in which someone is not in danger,
getting hurt or embarrassed? Make me laugh! I’m really tired of
wit and puns. Bring on the baseball bats, banana peels and uncovered
manholes.
Steve Carrell & 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' • Will
Ferrel & Ron Burgundy • a whole lot of stuff
about American comedy •
what was the point of "Bridget Jones' Diary'?
• guys get sidelined • the incredible literary importance of 'The Fight
Club' & a really interesting coincidence •
a basic guide to recent 'guy flicks' •
payback for 'rom-coms'
