© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 101 - 110
Offbeat 101
I can’t really complain about television. It seems to keep the
various people in my neighbourhood busy, so I don’t feel obliged
to greet them or invite them over for painful discussions about the
weather, the sport and other neighbours.
Self-imposed TV deprivation and its results
• how television is proliferating • the
end of 'I spy' • the drama of the future •
not getting to know the neighbours • why television is actually
(possibly) a good thing
Offbeat 103
I only effectively had a single full day in the desert. And my wife
and daughter were with me, as was the presence of about a hundred tourists
going ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ and ‘look at all
the sand’. So I didn’t have the time to come up with an
idea that would require us all to alter our beliefs and change the way
we lead our lives.
Another shot at the big time • the productive
joys of the early morning • how the sunrise works •
a weekend in the desert • noise, everywhere • the intellectual
pros & cons of time spent in God's sandpit
Offbeat 102
Stylistically, Dan Brown achieves the near impossible: the complete
absence of style. Anybody who has the goal of writing professionally,
or who does write professionally, will tell you how difficult this is.
Yet another night of peaceful sleep for the
literati • why Dan Brown probably doesn't need a Nobel Prize •
maiden aunts in burning buildings • a different take on literary heroism
• the quest for depth & meaning
goes astray • the usual moral of the story conveniently placed
at the end of the column
Offbeat 104
There is a certain comfort in not filling my mind with gloom and idiocy.
The times that I have been most comfortable and content have been the
times when I haven’t followed the news, be it silly people or
arrogant politicians.
Things to do while you wait for your computer
• interesting websites • reading the news for self improvement
• my iPod gets outmoded (again) • serious, well-intentioned people •
the glaciers are out to get me
Offbeat 105 (Birthday Special)
I haven’t won the lottery. I got a lot of e-mails from the Netherlands,
telling me that I did, but all of them wanted me to pay for the ticket
first by sending money to an anonymous account.
July is birthday month • who gets the
presents? • my testosterone levels decline •
the therapeutic value of pre-birthday sulks • a whole lot of good-natured stuff
• I refuse to grow up
Offbeat 106
I can walk and chew gum at the same time, even though I choose not to,
as chewing gum is an ugly habit. Perhaps there are people who use so
much cerebral capacity for coordinating their legs, that the act of
simultaneously moving their lower jaw up and down eludes them, and vice
versa.
Bye-bye to my glasses, damn it! • interesting
limps, and other things that make us different from one another •
why I don't need to wear make-up • subtle shades of purple • an interesting observation •
offbeat biology
Offbeat 107
The critics contention is that the film is overlong and has a confused
story. The audience responses, posted on the websites of critics, has
been that the film is the most fun since the first ‘Pirates of
the Caribbean movie’ was released, and that the critics alternatively
suck or blow.
What this column was supposed to be about,
but is not • mutton or lamb? • wonderful malay curry
• 'Ho, ho, ho, me hearties!' • making the critics walk the plank
• some more stuff about why entertainment is the key to creating
great literature
Offbeat 108
Legend and myth have it that great poverty is a prerequisite for being
a prophet or messenger of God. However an examination of the lives of
three of the most influential religious thinkers of all times reveals
an entirely different story.
Why money is not the root of all evil •
some comments about MacDonalds and the World Food Programme •
some notes about Buddha, Jesus and the Prophet •
day jobs for religious thinkers • three 'hences' • the absence
of money is the root of all evil
Offbeat 109
There is a mistaken belief that
Edgar Allen Poe and Ambrose Bierce fathered the modern horror genres.
And it is also easy to believe that Steven King is the greatest horror
writer of all time, if only based on his presence in bookstores.
Axe wielding maniacs chase me around on my
birthday • The Shadow over Innsmouth • a man who wrote 87,500
letters • a
mad Arab sorceror • a common source of
inspiration for Star Trek, The Simpsons and Terry Pratchett •
what horror writers read when they want to be scared
Offbeat 110
The problem with an environmentally friendly lifestyle and civilisation
is that it comes at an almost unmanageable cost. The simple life, a
life that is one with nature, means becoming subservient to nature once
again.
I get environmental • should an antelope be marinated
or not? • a whole lot of doom & gloom about global warming
• four weeks of rain in an arid country • some reasons
why industrialisation is good • an ending straight out of Malthus
