© Pierre
Maré,
2004 - 2007
Offbeat Columns 111 - 120
Offbeat 111
Ideas aren’t arrived at simultaneously by committee members. Each
idea begins in the head of an individual, and there is always one committee
member who is slower on the uptake than the others. Then there is the
small matter of arriving at resolution.
Heraclitus' river, again • guns & swords: the fun
side of history • qualifications for going down in history
• secret history: Tupperware, punks & the movie Scarface
• big trees & little acorns • myopia & ignorance
Offbeat 112
In terms of the ‘bling’ scheme of things, diplomacy and
business will be conducted in garish nightclubs and hot tubs. Conversation
will be limited to ‘Yo, homie’, ‘Yo, mama’,
‘Yo, bee-yach’ and ‘Can you direct me to the nearest
hot tub’.
More about Wikipedia • my favourite conspiracy theories
• The Eurabia Conspiracy • The New World
Order • the real conspiracy: so secret that nobody notices it
• Everybody say, "Yo!"
Offbeat 113
Belief is pretty much like the meat shelf at the supermarket. Make sure
you check the ‘sell-by’ date, and avoid the spicy, new-fangled
fusion stuff if you want people to attend your dinner parties or barbecues.
A South American tribe & the cult of Judas Iscariot •
my favourite African tribe • The various manifestations of Christ
• belief as a fashion phenomenon • the opiate of
the masses as political currency • a question of ethics
Offbeat 114
Although there may still be some isolated pockets of humanity who have
not yet been exposed to the imagery from Paris Hilton’s sex video
posted all over the internet, more interesting still is the manner in
which the internet disunites us.
Late nights, square brackets & curly brackets •
switching off your new electronic friends • fear of being a named
conspirator • Paris Hilton's sex video •
holiday camps for voices crying out in the wilderness • bye-bye
overbloated music industry
Offbeat 115
It appears as if the choice between ‘natural’ and ‘unnatural’
is a toss-up, but note this… If you find a bug in your fast food,
you have the option of litigation. If it appears in your natural, organically
grown vegetable, you don’t stand a chance.
Platitudes for embarassing & unwanted moments •
find the dirty word with Scrabble • alternative methods of protein
enhancement • sheep, shrubs and definitions
• Tree bark! Mmmm... yummy! • how not to bathe a baby
Offbeat 116
I have done my fair share of getting rid of habits. I no longer initiate
interesting discussions with religious fundamentalists or politicians.
I don’t call the pub ‘my living room’ anymore.
In spite of it all, I still smoke • primal reactions
to threats • I need a cigarette, right now •
why I don't want to quit • civil liberties • what it will
take to get me to quit
Offbeat 117
If you are intent on waking me an hour or two before I normally arise,
please do it with something decent, not a piece of banal bubblegum pop
that is better suited to the emotional sensibilities of a hormonal twelve
year old.
Fun with jargon • strange & dubious constructions
• 'decentralisation' • my neighbours &
their tastes • progression of the human race • my favourite
jargon
Offbeat 118
Although schooling does have its merits, and is as much a part of the
natural process as, for instance, learning how to walk and chew gum
at the same time, schools are very brutal places.
The kids are going ape • proof of why the kids are
going ape • American dream or American nightmare? •
why kids are scary • good teachers & evil teachers • therapy for the young 'uns
Offbeat 119
To this day, whenever someone says ‘hey’ at me, the image
springs to mind of Mr. Atkins politely asking some terrified kid if
he thought that the mighty headmaster could possibly be in any way related
to a donkey?
The things we didn't do at school • the evil sin of
chewing gum • obsessive mastication and culinary refinement
• how not to get the job and how not to keep it •
...and don't wear your hat indoors either
Offbeat 120
If you are reading this column in the hopes of useful culinary tips,
I find that it helps to avoid blue cheese with anything. It tastes awful,
and you can’t get the dog to help you deal with the leftovers.
Ironing vs. origami • fabulous Floyd and the burning
junk • tactical use of dishwashing liquid •
recipe books are for the insecure • fried salad and the scary logic of edible fats • why food is biologically good for the soul
